Brainwashing in the Little Things
Lately, I’ve come to realize how much the brainwashing that happened when I was trafficked has affected my everyday life. When we think of trafficking, we think of the huge effects that it has a person. The difficulty in learning to trust again, learning how to love and be loved sometimes for the very 1st time, or simply believing that every person wants to abuse you.
The last few weeks, I have paid attention to all my little actions. I don’t know why I’ve been so hyperaware of my every movement, but I started to notice a pattern. Everyday for the last 15 years, the very first thing I do when I wake up is pour myself a cup of coffee and grab the newspaper. It seems like a normal routine, except this simple habit was born out of slavery. Martin made it very clear that I had to understand what was going on in the world so I could better relate to the tricks. I needed to see the current events taking place so I could carry on a normal and intelligent conversation with the highest paying buyers. But long after I escaped, I still wake up, pour a cup of coffee and read the paper. It is simple a routine that millions of Americans share but for me it was born out of slavery.
For years, I took 4 to 8 showers a day, I never felt like I could get clean. Today my bathing practices fall more in a “normal” category of one and sometimes two showers a day. However, every time I step out of the shower I grab a towel and holding it by the edge I give it a real strong snap. When I was 17 years old and in Hawaii, they had cockroaches everywhere and he had me so scared that I would get cockroaches on my body. He told me every time I stepped out of the shower I had to snap my towel because there were cockroaches in the towels. Out of fear, I developed a habit, even though I haven’t seen a cockroach in many many years I still snap my towel every day.
And the list goes on and on, the toilet seat and the lid must always be kept down. The toilet paper only goes on the holder in one direction, with the end of the paper going over the top rather than down the back. I never drive with my arm out the window and I instinctively lock the doors the very moment I get my car.
While none of these things are wrong, they are the little quirky things that make me, me. It is simply who I am today. Not who I was born to be, but it was who I was trained and brainwashed to be. I don’t feel the need to change any of these things because I don’t think they’re wrong. But today, I am understanding how brainwashing and slavery has changed every little behavior. It has changed my very core. I am happy with me, little quirks and all, but I will always live with some residue of my past.
No trackbacks yet.