I found some doors on CraigsList and loved the symbology of the door itself but telling my story with something that has been used and discarded felt deeply emotional. I just finished another door and felt it was time to share some of my experiences.

Penetrating Darkness

Back when I was still in the life (being trafficked), my mom prayed for me endlessly and fasted every Wednesday for years but when we started to talk again she never pushed Jesus on me. She simply loved me and waited for the right time. She built a relationship with me, never judging. Never being harsh. Never condescending. She was full of love and compassion.

Over time, I came to know Christ. Mom and I became best friends, we did everything together. Including building a business, living together, and lots of healing. When I went public with my story, she sat next to me during that first interview and right before they turned the cameras on she leans over and whispers to me “Remember, you don’t want them to slit their wrists whey you are done.” She was so serious, trafficking is intense and we must always end with HOPE! It also must have so hurt her mothers heart to sit next to me and hear about the horrors of my life while wishing there was something she could have done.

Two months later she passed away, we did not even know she was sick. The leukemia took over so fast and one day she was great then two weeks later my best friend, business partner, and mother was gone. On the day she died, she had her favorite sheets on her bed and was propped up in a recliner with her pillows. It felt appropriate to take those pillow cases and form the cross on this door. My mother showed me Christ. She lived and loved like Christ. When she died she walked into the arms of Christ.

God used her to penetrate the darkness of my heart, mind, and voice.

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss my mom, but I know that Christ took her home because He had mercy on her mothers heart. Her journey was complete. She has been set free so I can do the work that He has called me to do. He has set me free and His love can penetrate all darkness.

So back to where I started… Today I will “own” it. I am an artist. I will never be flighty, unreliable, or quit taking showers. =) Life is art.

The last few weeks, I have paid attention to all my little actions. I don’t know why I’ve been so hyperaware of my every movement, but I started to notice a pattern. Everyday for the last 15 years, the very first thing I do when I wake up is pour myself a cup of coffee and grab the newspaper. It seems like a normal routine, except this simple habit was born out of slavery. Martin made it very clear that I had to understand what was going on in the world so I could better relate to the tricks. I needed to see the current events taking place so I could carry on a normal and intelligent conversation with the highest paying buyers. But long after I escaped, I still wake up, pour a cup of coffee and read the paper. It is simple a routine that millions of Americans share but for me it was born out of slavery.

For years, I took 4 to 8 showers a day, I never felt like I could get clean. Today my bathing practices fall more in a “normal” category of one and sometimes two showers a day. However, every time I step out of the shower I grab a towel and holding it by the edge I give it a real strong snap. When I was 17 years old and in Hawaii, they had cockroaches everywhere and he had me so scared that I would get cockroaches on my body. He told me every time I stepped out of the shower I had to snap my towel because there were cockroaches in the towels. Out of fear, I developed a habit, even though I haven’t seen a cockroach in many many years I still snap my towel every day.

And the list goes on and on, the toilet seat and the lid must always be kept down. The toilet paper only goes on the holder in one direction, with the end of the paper going over the top rather than down the back. I never drive with my arm out the window and I instinctively lock the doors the very moment I get my car.

While none of these things are wrong, they are the little quirky things that make me, me. It is simply who I am today. Not who I was born to be, but it was who I was trained and brainwashed to be. I don’t feel the need to change any of these things because I don’t think they’re wrong. But today, I am understanding how brainwashing and slavery has changed every little behavior. It has changed my very core. I am happy with me, little quirks and all, but I will always live with some residue of my past.

Jesse Beam is one of those artists.

His vision is to share the stories of survivors, honoring their lives, and giving hope to others.

His art is larger than life. Much larger!

What have these eyes seen? The pain of abuse and the victory of freedom.

These are my eyes.

Here is my story.

The Refiner’s Fire

“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; He will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver.” Malachi 3:3

I don’t think that most survivors share my experience. I have talked to many survivors that have done presentations and interviews and most say that it is painful to share and hear the feedback about their lives. I want survivors to heal and be able to share their stories, when they are ready and they have a community of support around them. So when the media writes a bad article they have people to support and encourage them. The articles and questions can be gut-wrenching, but with support, sharing can be healing.

I have gained experience in public speaking and I am very comfortable in front of small and large audiences. I have also never charged for speaking, sometimes I would get an honorarium and I felt so honored for being able to share and being seen as a person of value rather than just another horror story. Lately it has felt different, I have felt that all I was good for was my story. I am only needed to “put a face” on the issue or to make it relatable. I don’t want anyone to think that I am pointing fingers or that I am hurt by any one person, these feelings have been acquired over the last many months. I am still going to follow through with all my current commitments to speak without pay. But from here on out, I am going to start charging for my time.

With the anti-trafficking movement being so new and only learning that I was trafficked 18 months ago, I am learning to value myself, my time, and my experiences.

I run my own business and my husband is a stay at home father to our five children. I have a family to support. We are not independently wealthy. The economy has affected our lives too. I love to share my experiences but I also have knowledge beyond my story, I have done presentations for; hope and healing, overcoming abuse, freedom in Christ, parenting in a sexualized culture, parenting in a world of technology, how to keep your family safe, healing marriages, couponing, internet marketing, and so much more. I am a teacher. I love to use my experiences to shape the culture and affect the lives of everyone around me. Reid and I have chosen to live our lives publicly, our desire is for the world to see that healing and hope is possible for all people and that marriage can be beautiful, loving, and grace-filled.

My pimp asked me 15 years ago, “If I was already giving it away for free, then why wouldn’t I want to get paid?” While I was not able to keep the money, I did feel as though I had some value, even if it cost my freedom. Today this rings true in a different light. Once again I am giving something away that only I can give, my time and my experiences. Today, I will start modeling for others what it means to be valued as a person and as a survivor. I know my purpose in life is to share my story and I love connecting with an audience. Thank you for joining me on my journey through life.

It’s beauty struck me.

The flower is not unique.

It is like so many other flowers in the world.

But it is different.

Somehow this little flower was able to find the nourishment to grow and bloom in the strangest of places. Surrounded by sidewalk in the harshest of conditions it was able to glorify it’s Creator.

A few months ago, I had the privilege of meeting Lisa Goldblatt-Grace, who co-wrote a very good study on residential facilities, it provides a great breakdown of the clinical side of services that are needed. It is a great starting point.

Within the US we are at a great advantage. We may not have many sex trafficking shelters but we have tons domestic violence shelters, homeless shelters, and youth shelters all throughout the country. Every one of those facilities currently works with trafficking victims. The very first plan of action should be to raise the level of care within the current shelters, facilities, and homes. If every facility had additional training for the sexually exploited and added security, we would be well on our way to making a huge dent in the lack of housing. 

This also brings up the topic of weather or not a home should be exclusively for ST victims. I am of the mindset that we should not isolate people that have been trafficked but rather house people that have a variety of experiences, under the title of “intensive trauma”. A great example is individuals who have eating disorders. It has been proven that group therapy for anorexia and bulimia is not effective, in fact, it is counter productive. This is because they compare notes and learn from each other and the problem gets worse, not better. I have seen ST survivors meet and it very quickly turns into a competition as to whose abuse was worse, who their pimp was and how he treated them, or how much they could make in a night. However, if you have individuals with varied experiences there is no competition.

When it comes to the home itself, I do not think there is one particular type of home that works for everyone. I break housing into three categories, individual homes, residential homes, and facilities. Each has advantages and disadvantages, but there is a need for all three types.

• An individual home is simply an extra room in someone’s house. This would be a good option for an adult survivor that has been out of the life for a while but is very teachable and ready to walk through the healing process. The couple that owns the house would have to be screened, certified, and deemed a “safe” family. They must be available 24 hours a day and have adequate time, money, and stamina. They would also have to be apart of a larger group, a church or organization that would provide resources for the family. Taking someone into your home could be the worst possible option for someone that is not adequately trained and is a danger to the survivor. This should be done with GREAT care and protection of all people involved. I feel very strongly that this option is not to be used without the protection and accountability of trained support. 
• A residential home is one of the best options and the most conducive to building safe relationships. This would be an average home in a residential community that houses 2-4 people and a safe live-in support person. It would have to be gender based, all women or all men with no mixing of the two. I also believe that it would be best to have a covering of a church for support and collaboration. A residential home would feel most like “home” while easily integrating therapy, mentoring, and life skills.
• A facility is a larger home that houses 5+ people and has many services “in house”. This can be great option because there are more resources and opportunities for the survivor.  For some individuals it has the feeling of being a shelter rather than a home thus increasing the flight risk.

When I posted this blog post about the financial difficulties that my family is having, the weight lifted. I did end up applying for a job at IHOP and for the first time in my life I went to an interview and did NOT get the job. I knew that God was guiding me. Sure enough that week we finished the SMART Couponing System and my business was able to make money for the first time in over a year!

But I learned something about being vulnerable and deciding to share my current hurts with the world. I learned that I am not alone. I learned that others will desire healing by watching me walk through the pain. I learned once again that my life is to be lived in public. 

There are times of great joy, freedom, pain, victory, and loss. Feelings that we all share but we live in a world of plastic masks. A world where we have to look like others to fit in. Where acceptance is based on your appearance. I believe that this idea needs to change and my family will live by example.

In public I have shared my victories and my freedom but there is a side of me that is missing. I am missing most of the memories of my life. The stories I share are some of the bits and pieces that I have put together. I have always felt shame that I couldn’t remember more of my life. Recently I learned that a loss of memory is normal for people with intensive trauma. I have been praying for years that God would allow me to remember my life and slowly over time, thoughts come back. I will smell something, go somewhere, look at a photo, or see an expression on my sister’s face, and the feelings and thoughts come rushing back.

When these thoughts come in like a flood, I have to take time to feel the pain. Look at the hurt. See how it has affected my life. And in doing so, I find freedom.

It is easy for me to stand in front of a crowd and share the areas of my life where I have been hurt and have found great victory. However, I now feel that I need to share my process of healing as I continue to find freedom. 

Top Ramen. The kind that used to cost 10 cents a bag and now 16 years later only costs 14 cents a meal. Then in my haze, I start to remember the days when I lived on ramen.

Maybe the thoughts of my teens were spurred by the ramen, or the fact that Sierra (my sister) had witnessed a gang shooting yesterday. Or the spinning in my head left me open to remembering the past. Either way, as I stare at that bowl of noodles and instinctively grab the hot sauce and douse my noodles in spice. The thoughts came back like a flood.

The violence. The fights. The shootings.

I started to write this a couple months ago and I stopped writing. I don’t know why. Maybe it was that I was sick, or maybe I just didn’t want to think about the blood. Either way I think it is important to post this because the simplest things can trigger old thoughts or feeling. My life is about understanding the triggers so I can move forward with my head high and a smile on my face!

I have broken the BIG picture down into four categories; awareness, prevention, aftercare, and legislation. There are tons of local, national, and international anti-trafficking non-profits and all of them fall into one or more of categories that need to be addressed in order for us to make a big impact.

Below I have listed my favorite organizations. I am a big fan of keeping it simple, but I am also working on a more extensive resource list.

Love146 – They were founded in 2002 and are established in 13 countries. I love them because they will do what it takes to stop trafficking without ever sacrificing the survivor. Depending on the country, Love146 works across all four categories.  Within the US, the focus is prevention and awareness. Please check them out, you will not be disappointed!

Door to Grace – Will be a faith-based home for domestic minor females that have been trafficked. It will be located in the Portland metropolitan area. Aftercare is the most difficult area to be involved in, but if you have a heart for girls that have experienced extensive trauma this is a great place to start.

International Justice Mission (IJM) – They have a four-fold purpose; victim relief, perpetrator accountability, victim aftercare, and structural transformation. Founded in 1997, they have a proven track-record of outstanding results.